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Author Comment
cmoore0013
Unregistered User
(7/25/05 11:39 am)
Opening of my Snow White script
Here si the opeing 10 or 15 minutes or my Snow White script.

FADE IN: OPENING LOGOS AND CREDITS


FADE IN: EXT/INT. CASTLE. DUSK.

We fade in on a beautiful, picturesque Germanic castle. We move closer as we approach a large window that leads into the queenís bed chamber. Snow slowly falls from the sky and into the camera s we move closer. We see that the queen is young and pregnant. She is sewing a new robe. Many servants begin to enter or exit from the room. There is commotion al around. The queen still looks peaceful. The huntsman named Samuel enters. He walks over to Queen Esmereldaís chair and kneels.

Samuel
My queen, my brother wishes to know why you didnít join him in the park yesterday.

Esmerelda
Samuel, do we have to go over this again? I canít be seen in public with Adrian ever again.

Samuel
Thatís hard news to give someone, especially a brother.

Esmerelda
Yes, but itís better than being killed by the king.

Samuel
He still has no idea?

Esmerelda
No, and he has no reason to have any ideas.



Samuel
A powerful man like the king canít even keep his wife faithful. Isnít that rich!

Esmerelda suddenly jumps back in horror as the needle pricks her finger.

CUT TO: SLOW MOTION
3 drops of blood fall on the snow outside the window.

CUT TO: INT. QUEENíS CHAMBER. DUSK.
The queen sits still. She gazes out at the 3 drops in the snow. She smiles and begins to caress her pregnant stomach.

Esmerelda
I wish my child will have lips as red as blood, skin as white as snow, and hair as black as the ebony wood. Wouldnít that be beautiful child, Samuel?

Samuel
It would. It certainly would.

Esmerelda
Not a word to the king?

Samuel
I value my brotherís life as much as my own.

Esmerelda
The king is hunting. If you listen carefully, you can hear his horn.

Samuel
What will he do if the king finds out?

Esmerelda
Heíll kill Adrian! Maybe even me.

Samuel
What are you going to do?

Esmerelda
Keep the child! Heíll think itís his own.

Samuel
And Iíll be an uncle?

Esmerelda
Youíll be an uncle.


Samuel
Will he ever find out?

Esmerelda
I donít think he will. By then, it would hurt the kingdom for them to find out that their princess isnít really a princess.

Samuel
And what about my brother? What about Adrian?

Esmerelda
I donít know.

Samuel
What do you mean, you donít know?

Esmerelda
He wonít do anything to him. I donít think I could live without him.

Samuel
And me? My family?

Esmerelda
No! Nothing will happen to you. What would put such an idea in your head?

Samuel
The king can be ruthless.

Esmerelda
Ruthless, but fair. He has no reason to kill you, let alone your family. Weíll just have to wait and see.

Samuel
My brother is important to me.

Esmerelda
And to me. Run along. I hope to see you and your delightful family at the kingdom picnic on Friday.


Samuel
And it is always a pleasure to see such a radiant beauty as you.


Esmerelda
Oh, you lie. This pregnancy makes me feel so unattractive.

Samuel
It hasnít shown at all.

Esmerelda
Youíre kind. A good subject and an excellent huntsman. Your deeds will never again go unrewarded.

Samuel
Thank you, your majesty. Have a pleasant evening.

Esmerelda
And you as well.


Esmerelda gazes out at the snow and continues to work on her robe.

FADE TO BLACK

The long silence is broken by an ear piercing scream.

FADE IN: INT. QUEENíS CHAMBER. DAY.
Esmerelda is lying in her bed, her legs are spread, but a white sheet covers them as a servant attempts to deliver the baby. Esmerelda cries out in pain.

Esmerelda
Please! Make it stop! Make it stop!

Servant
Come on, just a few more pushes!

Esmerelda struggles and screams the loudest that she has ever screamed and pushes one last time. Blood splashes on the servants clothes and a crying baby is heard. The servant smiles as he looks down at the baby. He takes a white cloth and wraps it up in it. He cradles it and then hands it to Esmerelda who reaches out. She brings it close to her chest and begins to cradle it. The servant walks out of the room and shuts the door behind him. Esmerelda begins to talk to her newborn child.



Esmerelda
(to baby)
Hi. Iím your mommy. Iím going to take good care of you. Iím going to love you more than anyone else. You just tuned out so perfect. White as snow, red as blood, black as ebony. Iíll call you Snow White.

Esmerelda sheds a tear and cradles the baby even closer to her. Suddenly, the door jerks open and slams loudly against the brick behind it. Samuel comes running in with a sack.

Samuel
He found out! He took him!

Esmerelda
Who? Who took who?

Samuel
The king took Adrian!

Esmerelda
Oh God!

Esmerelda jumps out of bed with Snow White by her side. She puts on a white robe and runs out with Samuel. Blood trickles down her legs and stains the white robe and drips on the floor.

Esmerelda
Samuel, whatís in the bag?

Samuel doesnít respond.

Esmerelda
Whatís in the bag, Samuel?

Samuel slowly opens the bag. He tilts it over and Adrianís severed head falls to the ground, splashing blood on Samuel and Esmerelda. Esmerelda screams. She begins to break down and cry. She falls o the ground, weeping. She begins to touch the severed head and kiss it.

Esmerelda
Why? WHY?!!?


Samuel
(crying)
I know!

Esmerelda falls into the pool of dark blood and soaks her white robe in it. Samuel picks up Adrianís head and puts it back in the bag. He looks disgusted.

Samuel
He knows. The king knows!

Samuel picks up the little baby from Esmerelda and looks at it in amazement.

Samuel
Hi. Iím your uncle Samuel. Whatís your name?

Esmerelda
(crying)
Her name is Snow White!

Samuel
Snow White. It suits you.

Esmerelda
Yes, it does. She was my dream. My dream that became a nightmare.

Samuel
This is just as hard for me as it is for you. At least sheíll have a father. Sheíll never know the loss she had. Iíll never get a brother back!

Esmerelda
I canít handle this! I need some sleep.

Samuel
Iíll get out of you way. Iíll be here for you. I always will be.

Esmerelda
Thank you. Itís nice to know someone is in this world.

Samuel puts Snow White in a small brown cradle next to Esmereldaís bed. Samuel blows out the candles and exits. Esmerelda lies in her bed, she slowly closes her eyes.

CUT TO: INT. CASTLE CORRIDOOR. MORNING.
A servants walks down the long hallway with a large tray of breakfast. She knocks on Esmereldaís door.

Servant
Your majesty? Iíve come to bring you your breakfast.

Esmerelda
(voice)
Take it away! Iím not I the mood for a meal!

Servant
Itís all your favorites. The king had it specially made for you. He knew youíd be feeling bad, so heÖ

Esmerelda
I donít care! Iím not hungry.

Servant
You must eat! After the birth, itís important to eat, so that you can regain your energy.

Esmerelda
Step away from my god damn door!

Servant
I see. Youíre upset! Iíll leave the food by your door.

The servant sets the tray down on the ground. She turns to walk away. When she is clear from the hall, Esmereldaís door slowly opens and Esmerelda peeks her head out. She grabs the tray and brings it in.

CUT TO: INT. ESMERELAíS CHAMBER. MORNING.
Esmerelda sets the breakfast tray on her bed and locks the door. She crawls over to her bed and begins to eat ravenously. She hears a knock at the door. She stops her eating and crawls over to the door.

Esmerelda
Who is it?

Samuel
(voice)
Itís Samuel, your majesty.

Esmerelda
Go away! I do not wish to speak with anyone.

Samuel
Let me in!

Esmerelda
Who are you, giving me orders?

Samuel
If you donít open this door, Iíll be forced to tell the king.

Esmerelda
Fine! Tell the bastard about his poor whore of a wife. Stuck in her room with the child that doesnít belong to him. See if heíll care.

Samuel
Let me in your room!

Esmerelda
No!

Samuel
How long do you plan to stay in there?

Esmerelda
As long as I want to. The king does not want to look upon me and who could blame him.

Samuel
Be sensible. You have a child in there.

Esmerelda
The child will be fine. Now leave!

Samuel
Fine, but just think about what youíre doing.


Esmerelda crawls over to the cradle. She picks up Snow White and begins to rock the sleeping child.
Esmerelda
You have your fatherís eyes. He would have loved you.

Esmerelda cradles the child and puts her back in the cradle. Esmerelda crawls over to her mirror. She crawls into the chair in front of it. She looks longingly into the mirror. She looks horrible. Her face is smeared with an ointment that makes her skin look oily. Her hair is oily and mousy. Her white night gown still has the blood stains on it. She reaches for her make up as she sees her horrible face. She reaches for the lip stick and gently applies it. She grabs her mascara and combs it through her eye lashes. She stills looks horrible. She grabs rouge, more lipstick, eyeliner, eye shadow, nothing works. In desperation, she covers her face with lips stick and covers the mirror with it, as well. She screams and cries. She looks back in her mirror.

Esmerelda
(crying)
Why me. What happened to me?

Esmerelda cries more and falls to the ground.

Kayt Anthony
Registered User
(7/26/05 10:52 pm)
Re: Opening of my Snow White script
Full of emotion, really wonderful. Some of the lines seem a bit forced though. I know this might sound weird, but try saying them aloud as you write. True, you might look a bit odd, but it will help you imagine actors saying them. Try it, and I'm sure that you will see an improvement in your dialogue.

Really wonderful though. I would love to see this as a film.

deathcookie
Registered User
(7/27/05 11:07 am)
Re: Opening of my Snow White script
I agree with Kayt, very full of emotion, but the dialogue is a tad forced. Some of the scenes could be conveyed with less dialogue, for instance, where Esmeralda is crying over the severed head, then says "I can't handle this, I need some sleep" and then Samuel responds, "I'll get out of your way. I'll always be here for you..."
I would cut the "I'll get out of your way", line, and maybe just a few other places where the characters make statements that don't quite go with the emotion in the scene. (For instance, Samuel has just revealed the severed head of his brother to Esmeralda, and both characters are distraught, but then Samuel picks up the baby and says, "Hi, I'm your uncle, what's your name?")
Also, I would beware of possible anachronisms in the story. The setting is a Germanic castle, and the characters are subjects in a kingdom, which suggests that the story takes place in quasi-medievel times, yet Esmeralda reaches for mascara, lipstick, eyeliner, and eye shadow. Some of these items may not have been available during the time frame of your story.
Those are just my suggestions, though. I've found it more beneficial in my case to actually finish an entire draft of a story, before going back and making edits; that way you don't lose your "mojo", if you know what I mean. If I get too wrapped up in editing a first chapter before I've written anything else, sometimes the story only goes as far as the first chapter. So please take my suggestions with a grain of salt. :)
Hope that was helpful, and look forward to seeing the rest!
-Callie


cmoore0013
Unregistered User
(7/27/05 7:45 pm)
thank you
Thank you very much for your feedback. I know that some of the lines are cheesy, but no one really knows how they talked back then, so I'm not sure. The make-up part is very strange. I'm pretty sure none of that existed, but if this was a woman who depended on beauty products, I don't know any other way to present them.

As for a preview of the next excerpt, Esmerelda comes out of hiding and goes for a walk. She finds a mysterious white tent in the middle of the country where they sell mystical items. A worker there gives her a magical youth formula. Esmerelda is promised eternal beauty and is given a magic mirror to forever keep her age inside of it. The worker is really a demon, but I'm having a hard time
writting how I could show that she has just sold her soul to the devil. Any ideas?

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